So, it's almost been one month since my first panic attack. During the first few weeks I still had some minor episodes during sleep, but they were short and few. Since December 22 there have been no attacks or episodes. Yay me! Thanks to my happy pills (which are rather miraculous), I no longer have anxiety but I do experience passing moments of slight fear. Almost like something spooks me, but it's like a whisper and soon passes.
Despite my advances, December has been the
longest month of my life, basically because I have done nothing. Let me re-phrase that: I haven't done anything on the professional front. That has got to be the
hardest thing in the world for me to endure. I told my shrink that I feel totally irresponsible and un-professional, but he keeps reminding me that I'm not at 100% and that it's "me time". It's a moment in my life where I get to do what I want. That's kind of hard to adjust to.
I have been dedicated to doing some crafts, especially decorating pre-made mdf boxes. It worked out perfect because I gave some of them away for Christmas presents. I recently moved on to my unfinished knitting projects and am about to start making furniture because I'm getting so bored. Hahahaha! That's just like me, I always go overboard and not like normal people, but at the speed of light. But, my body keeps reminding me to slow down. At night when I wake up, if I turn around in bed too fast, I feel like I might lose my breath. So, I have to remind myself that no one is rushing me. I take it easy, breathe and everything settles. It's amazing to me that my body is so much smarter than my mind, so to speak.
Thanks to my therapy sessions, I've learned a lot about myself through my past experiences. I know that sounds weird and obvious, but when you have lay out your life in front of someone else, you pick up on things that you never noticed the first time around. The way my family unit is constructed is one of those eye-opening revelations. I thought that I was a psychotically independent because I was just born that way, and now I'm beginning to see that my nuclear family created such tight bonds that it made me an island.
The great thing about all of this is that it doesn't depress me. On the contrary, I'm really happy that I made the choice to treat my panic attacks. Since I started my treatment, I've had the opportunity to talk to a lot of friends and acquaintances about this. You would not believe the amount of people walking around with untreated panic attacks and depressions. I don't know how they do it, how they survive, how they remain so functional. Let me just tell you, my panic attack scared the *@!"$%&* out of me. I could not imagine going through this without treatment.
Anyways, that's what I've been up to. I'll be sure to post pics of my recent projects the next time I log on.
Sand art. I love the Homer Sand dude. hahaha.
My sister and Yusi on the boardwalk.
The poor pier.
