Day 4 - Keeping it in

Well, well. I almost forgot about today's post. :/ That's one of my habits. I start everything in a gung-ho manner, and then I lose steam. Note to self: work on that for the future.

I'm not sure why that is. It has nothing to do with the importance of the thing I'm doing. In fact, I place great importance on this blogging challenge. The reason that I'm doing it is to learn about how and what I communicate. I've censored my words my whole life. People have said that I am very diplomatic, and I always took it as a compliment (as I think it was intended). But in the past few years, I've wondered if that diplomacy is more of a fault than a virtue.

The first signs that this was a problem were pointed out to me by my sister. I would tell her about a comment someone had made and I would say "...and I was like (insert funny comeback here)". She would generally reply: "That's so funny. Is that what you said?" And I would say: "No, it's what I thought." Eventually, she started asking me why I didn't say or write those comebacks down. Well, my quick answer would be I didn't want to say something out of line that would offend anyone. But, I have to admit that it also has to do with self esteem. If I said (say) something "wrong" people would turn on my, they would judge me, they wouldn't like me. It's a whopper. I'm not sure I've wrapped my head around the whole thing. But, I am working on it.

I also realized that I didn't just do it as a response to other people's comments. I started noticing that I would do it with my own, original thoughts as well. Now, that can't be healthy, can it? I've always been a reserved and introverted person. But, when I was around close friends, I was much more extroverted. In the last few years, however, I must admit that my self-censorship was applied across the board. I started living in my own head. Now, that can't be healthy either, can it?

And it's not only not healthy, it's useless. No matter how hard you tighten the gag around your mouth (I'm talking about bruxism, people), your subconscious will find a way of "spilling your guts" for you. I only just realized that the artwork that I've been doing lately is just that.

Hmmm, and here I was thinking that it was a half-assed past-time that helped keep my mind off of things. Moral of the story: Start paying attention because everything we do is important and special :). I wasn't really planning on uploading any artwork today, but in light of this revelation I would like to share one of my latest (and favorite) paintings:

Dandelions, 2011 - Oil pastel on canvas

See y'all tomorrow :)